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These habits don't make you a bad person, but it is your responsibility to break them if what you want is true love.
By Moreah Vestan
Last updated on Mar 23, 2024
If it feels like relationships come easier to others, it's possible you're stuck in a few bad habits. It's not your fault, these habits are common, but it is your responsibility to fix them and make changes if what you want is a great relationship.
Perhaps you have different priorities for a partner now; tall and hot may be replaced by warm and adventurous. So, keep things in perspective if you're dealing with finding a new relationship. The lessons you learned from a failure ten years ago may make today’s relationship a success.
Here are 10 habits that must be broken in order to find & keep a great relationship
1. Having too many expectations or none at all.
Both having and not having expectations can be a problem. Hopefully, you will know what you want and need from a relationship before you get emotionally involved. You might even ask yourself how past relationships could have been better if you had clarity on what was important before and during that relationship.
You should be able to count on someone to show respect and consideration for you, honor your boundaries, and accept your values. If that is not a given, why are you together?! It's not only okay, it’s a positive expectation to count on honesty and open communication, as well as the sharing of values that are truly important to you.
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On the other hand, watch out for unspoken assumptions and take each other for granted. When you start needing your companion to be different than who they are, that's a negative expectation. Ken Keyes Handbook for Higher Consciousness discusses demands versus preferences. It's OK to prefer a partner who’s a gourmet cook and a dancing instructor, but don’t demand a private person to indulge in your wish for kissing in public.
My friend was involved with a man she found very attractive; unfortunately, he had many other interests that took his time. When she concluded that she would always be second to his athletic pursuits, she broke up with him. She was clear about what was important, so her choice was right.
I believe a lack of clarity is the root of negative expectations. If you are very clear about what you need for a fulfilling relationship, you won’t get involved with a partner who doesn’t meet your criteria, and you will — most of the time — have only positive expectations.
2. Letting jealousy take over.
It's obvious why this is a mistake. It denotes insecurity and a lack of self-confidence. Jealousy is not a sign of love or a compliment. It is a restriction, a manipulation, a symptom of fear. That doesn’t mean you condemn the jealous partner.
In the book Keeping The Love You Find, Dr. Harville Hendrix model stateses that partners are here to heal the wounded child in each other. If you can explore the wound that led to jealousy, you might find it easier to deal with a partner’s insecurities.
To avoid the problem, discuss up front how you will continue to have friends of all genders. Ask what you can do to assure your partner when they feel jealous. Read Romantic Jealousy by Ayla Pines and visit library sections 152.4 and 158.2 for other books.
3. Comparing past partners to your present partner.
This is another mixed bag, like having expectations. It's helpful if you remember how good or bad you felt with a particular type of partner and if that keeps you from letting go or latching on to a partner.
On the other hand, comparisons can be harmful if you’ve kept an idealized picture of a previous lover, and no one can live up to how wonderful they were. If your ego sees your partner as a "fill-in" until the "right partner" comes along or fears that you’ve been shortchanged, you won’t be open to what this person has to offer.
Take an hour or so and write down five lessons you’ve learned from past relationships to refer to any time you consider an emotional involvement. If you’re going to compare, do it so you remember what it takes for you to be fulfilled.
Don’t settle for less unless you are clear about why you are doing it and are willing to live with the consequences.
4. Losing your identity and personal life when you're half of a couple.
Perhaps you could argue that there are desirable things about "forsaking friends for a partner." But, be aware that putting all your eggs in one basket has its pitfalls as well. When you lose closeness with other friends, you may have less freshness and variety to bring to the relationship. Your friends may resent taking second place every time you begin a romance.
If your personal life has been "taken over" in the past, and you’ve ended up wondering who you are, get support in maintaining your own life — a friend, therapist, classes, reading. Read books like Ken Keyes’ A Conscious Person’s Guide to Relationships. Pages 134-142 are timeless.
5. Failing to establish boundaries or stand up for yourself and your needs.
Is it smart or a mistake to have boundaries? Always? Under the circumstances? Wouldn’t it be fascinating to observe your boundaries over time? You can do that with a Boundaries notebook. This assumes you have been dating awhile and feel free to discuss what’s happening.
To start, you might share, "When you do____, I feel _____" (i.e. "When you are late every time we go out, I feel like I’m not very important to you." "When you don’t even ask me what I feel like doing, I feel taken for granted.") If it’s not comfortable to communicate that way at the moment you’re feeling the feeling, then commit once a week to share out loud, "When you…I feel…."
In the notebook by your name and date, write "late when we go out" or "ask what s/he feels like doing" as a reminder the issue has been discussed.
You might also ask your partner’s advice about dealing with their habits that disturb you, such as ignoring them at parties or angry outbursts: "When you do. . . and I get mad, what can I say so that we don’t both end up not talking to each other for days?" You could use a pre-arranged signal: whining, nonverbal pouting, shaking your finger, hands on hips, etc. to indicate, "You are stepping over the line, and I don’t like it."
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6. Having sex before you're ready.
Is it enough to feel ready? Does it need to be planned? We’ve all heard people say, "I wish I had waited til' we knew each other better."
If you have found yourself listening only to your sexual impulses, and you want to break the cycle, make an agreement with yourself (or with an accountability partner) about when in a relationship you are willing to consider being sexual.
One common dating mistake is being sexual for the wrong reasons — because your friends are, because you’re tired of celibacy because you’re afraid you’ll lose him if you don’t because you think she expects you to.
Better reasons? You know and love each other or have made a commitment. Read Joy Brown’s Why They Don’t Call When They Say They Will And Other Mixed Signals.
7. Sharing too much or too little.
A mistake here is sharing too much too soon (that your sisters all had to get married, or you are manic depressive, or your last four boyfriends broke up with you because you still wouldn’t kiss after three months). I am not advocating lying, but consider a dating partner like a new plant from the nursery. If you overwater it, you can kill it as easily as if you give it no attention.
It's probably enough for the first couple of dates to be casual and talk about what you enjoy, what matters to you, and some growing-up experiences — things that give each other a flavor of you without intimidating or overwhelming. On the other hand, some dating suffers from too little, too late.
A friend had grown very fond of a man; they were in his bedroom months after their first meeting before he told her he had herpes. Not fair. He could have brought it up casually much sooner by asking if she’d had any experiences with herpes and noting her reactions. If she said it would be no problem, that would also have been the time to tell her.
Do men and women communicate differently? Read Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand, and John Grey’s "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". Don’t expect men to relate like women. OK?
8. Refusing to negotiate, or being afraid to do so.
A dating mistake some people make is being unwilling to give up control. For instance, if Sunday is your night together, but he has a 7 A.M. Monday presentation, figure out how the two of you can get your needs met. Maybe Tuesday works this week or Sunday morning.
How can you agree on a movie TV show or vacation: taking turns, getting a second TV set, taking second vacations? Take an objective look — stand back and see the situation as though it’s April or 2017. Read related articles you’ve found when you googled Negotiating Conflict — 35,400,000 just now. Or see what there is to learn when you search for Self-Love and how that is compatible (and helpful) to creating a healthy relationship.
9. Settling instead of holding out for the right partner.
It’s a big mistake to say "Yes" to anyone your inner self is saying "No" to. If you’re not sure about committing to a partner, DON’T!
If marriage or being a parent is more important than being in love and you are honest with each other, it can work. But know your needs and limitations. For a good perspective, read Susan Page’s If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? and Margaret O’Connor’s Finding Love.
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10. Expecting your partner to make you happy.
Don't expect someone else to make you happy instead of being two whole people complementing each other. As stated by Jane Carpineto in "Husband Hunting", don't get caught in the traps of "Perfect man," "Chemistry," "Dependency," "Success," "Settle for less," or "I can change him or her."
Being your best self — that is no mistake!
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Morah Vestan is a life coach, communication trainer, and author. She has an M.A. in Adult Education and was a relationship columnist for 16 years for Seattle's Active Singles Life.
